These Words given by My Father Which Saved Me as a First-Time Father

"I think I was just in survival mode for the first year."

Former reality TV personality Ryan Libbey expected to handle the challenges of being a father.

However the truth quickly proved to be "very different" to his expectations.

Severe health issues surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was forced into acting as her chief support while also taking care of their newborn son Leo.

"I was doing every night time, each diaper… every stroll. The job of both mum and dad," Ryan shared.

After eleven months he burnt out. That was when a chat with his parent, on a park bench, that helped him see he needed help.

The simple words "You aren't in a good spot. You need support. What can I do to help you?" created an opening for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and find a way back.

His situation is not uncommon, but infrequently talked about. Although people is now more accustomed to discussing the stress on moms and about PND, far less attention is paid about the challenges new fathers go through.

'It's not weak to request support'

Ryan believes his struggles are linked to a broader reluctance to open up between men, who still internalise harmful perceptions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the fortress that just takes the pounding and doesn't fall every time."

"It's not a show of being weak to seek help. I failed to do that quick enough," he adds.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health before and after childbirth, explains men can be reluctant to admit they're having a hard time.

They can believe they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - most notably in preference to a new mother and infant - but she stresses their mental state is just as important to the household.

Ryan's conversation with his dad offered him the space to request a respite - taking a few days abroad, separate from the home environment, to see things clearly.

He came to see he had to make a shift to focus on his and his partner's emotional states alongside the logistical chores of looking after a new baby.

When he opened up to Louise, he discovered he'd missed "what she needed" -holding her hand and paying attention to her words.

Reparenting yourself'

That insight has transformed how Ryan perceives parenthood.

He's now penning Leo regular notes about his experiences as a dad, which he aspires his son will look at as he grows up.

Ryan hopes these will help his son better understand the vocabulary of emotional life and make sense of his decisions as a father.

The idea of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen lacked consistent male a father figure. Despite having an "incredible" bond with his dad, long-standing emotional pain resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their connection.

Stephen says bottling up emotions led him to make "bad actions" when in his youth to modify how he was feeling, finding solace in drink and drugs as a way out from the hurt.

"You turn to substances that aren't helpful," he explains. "They might short-term modify how you feel, but they will in the end make things worse."

Advice for Coping as a New Father

• Open up to someone - if you feel overwhelmed, tell a family member, your partner or a counsellor how you're feeling. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel more supported.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the things that helped you to feel like the person you were before the baby arrived. Examples include going for a run, seeing friends or gaming.
• Look after the physical stuff - nutritious food, physical activity and when you can, getting some sleep, all are important in how your mental state is doing.
• Connect with other new dads - listening to their experiences, the difficult parts, and also the joys, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Know that requesting help does not mean you've failed - looking after you is the most effective way you can care for your household.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen naturally struggled to accept the loss, having not spoken to him for a long time.

As a dad now, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead provide the safety and emotional support he did not receive.

When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they do "releasing the emotion" together - managing the frustrations in a healthy way.

Both Ryan and Stephen state they have become improved and more well-rounded men because they acknowledged their struggles, altered how they express themselves, and learned to control themselves for their children.

"I have improved at… dealing with things and managing things," states Stephen.

"I put that down in a note to Leo last week," Ryan shares. "I said, sometimes I feel like my role is to teach and advise you what to do, but in reality, it's a exchange. I'm learning an equal amount as you are in this journey."